Yesterday was 2600 days since she was born, 1300 days since she passed. Which means yesterday was the day that signified her being gone the same number of days she was here.
So now today...it's official...she has been gone from this earth more days than she was here.
When she died I always thought it would be a horrible to experience to have more time without her than with her. In my mind that meant that to anyone looking from the outside I should be 'over it.' That my grief should be replaced with a new happiness because I have dealt with what was.
But those that are close to me know that is not really the case. Many things will still bring me to tears. And more then anything, the longing for her on some days is more intense than any emotion I have ever felt. You still feel at times that maybe this is a horrible dream. My life will get back to normal soon. Someone is going to call me and tell me they found her or she is actually still alive. They made a mistake.
When I type these last few sentences I suppose I would think I was a little crazy too. I know I am not but I do know that any parent that looses a child is dealing with the biggest heartache I think I you would ever deal with in a lifetime.
I had never sat down and calculated the date of when this 'transition' would take place. One day Tommy was on the computer and came and told me. We thought it was pretty cool that it came out to such a round number...1300 days that I had with sweet Maya. When Tommy had figured out this number it got me thinking of the amount of memories I have of Maya. I am sure I could think of 13,000 memories. I had many sweet moments with Maya. I tried to be with her as much as possible while being a working single mom.
Many times she came with me to photo shoots and I always rushed home because I felt I was away too much. They grow up so quickly and in this day and age it is too hard usually to be able to be a stay at home mom. I struggled with guilt being away but I knew what I had to do. Fortunately I have wonderful parents that really took great care of her and her daycare was like no other. They were a 3rd Nana and family to her she loved them. I only mention this because I realized how much more then anything else I blame myself for not being around more or not being connected to the present moment because I had computer work or a million things to do once getting home. I remember Maya trying to close my laptop and saying, "no puter work" and thinking to that now breaks my heart. She would come sit next to me and get one of my many journals and scribble on the pages saying she was doing work! It was really cute and now I have her scribbles in every single journal I own. I treasure those scribbles.
If there is one thing I could ever say to anyone with kids...it's if you can work less, you will never regret the few dollars lost. You will only look back being so happy for the extra time spent and the new memories made.
I wish today was not 1301.
I think that even wanting to go back to the horrible time right after she passed away was better some days because her memory was so vivid and it was like I was away for a short trip not this 3 1/2 year journey.
A few things Maya will always be to me:
- My first born
- The little girl with the cutest and funniest (at times) voice I have ever heard
- My buddy who stuck with me through it all and would never have anything but love for me as I did for her.
- She would always make me laugh when I was down and I could not have been more proud of her.
Right now Tommy and I are on the beach in St. Augustine. We came to see his niece that was born a few weeks ago, Viviana Jo she is so precious! I really wanted to stay on the beach if we could find an inexpensive place to do so. Tommy found a place and it has been really a peaceful must needed break. I am reminded by being here of the last time I was at a beach. It was with Maya when I went to Bradenton Beach to be at my good friends, Gretchen & Eric's wedding and photograph it for them.
I really appreciate all the people who stuck near me even when I know I was not the easiest. I have a core group of friends and a wonderful boyfriend that are patient and understanding of my wide range of emotions.
When you look back at the number of days you lived how many of those days did you create memories that you will remember for a life time? Be with those you love and make each day count. Laugh, act ridiculous, let loose and let those you love know it whenever you get the opportunity.
Forever Maya Grace your memory will live on as you are the biggest part of me and my most beloved daughter...
- Jennifer (Mommy)