Friday, March 26, 2010

Without you...

You know I am at emotional low spot when I am writing here because it is the only option left really. To feel like I am talking to you. Silly, huh.

It has been so long since I have seen your face.

Time heals all wounds
God needed some more angels
God must of needed a 3 year old
Didn't it make you a better person to go through this
Now you are able to help other people so it doesn't happen to them

Does it make me evil that none of this is comforting to me? I personally feel like most all of what is said to me is bullshit. I know, I know people don't know what to say. Heck I know that I have lost my share of friends since I lost Maya, I lost my ability to be silly, to be spontaneous and to trust anything. I am paranoid, sad, lonely, incomplete without you. Yes I know I should need no one to make complete.

Well anyone that thinks that didn't have a little girl that was her whole life for over 4 years..because for the minute I found out I was pregnant with you were my life.


Say I tell people how I feel sometime they might recommend meds, therapy, church, grief support group. I don't need it. I need to be able to feel fucked up sometimes. I need to know that it is ok and I wont be at risk for losing more people in my life because I seem unstable today.

I just need to have you back.

I still have thoughts that you might come back. I know this is crazy, but it is true I think maybe they have made a mistake that I will see you somewhere and we will pick up where we left off.

Tell me how to understand the crackheads that have 8 kids they beat and they get to be "so called" parents. Tell me why it is $20 grand to adopt a baby that had no family or chance. Tell me why I did my best and it was not good enough.

Tell me how to heal Maya. Can't you come to me in a dream. I have had so few dreams about you and that breaks my heart. I want to hear your voice. I am afraid to lose more of you.

I hate all the new people in my life that never had the chance to know you.

I want to just play all day. I want to hold you for hours, smell your hand, look at your little hands. Hear you say you Love me and make sure you knew how much I love you!

I hope you know I will always love you so much! Or as you would say, " As much as two candies and 1 icecream.