Friday, March 26, 2010

Without you...

You know I am at emotional low spot when I am writing here because it is the only option left really. To feel like I am talking to you. Silly, huh.

It has been so long since I have seen your face.


Time heals all wounds
God needed some more angels
God must of needed a 3 year old
Didn't it make you a better person to go through this
Now you are able to help other people so it doesn't happen to them

Does it make me evil that none of this is comforting to me? I personally feel like most all of what is said to me is bullshit. I know, I know people don't know what to say. Heck I know that I have lost my share of friends since I lost Maya, I lost my ability to be silly, to be spontaneous and to trust anything. I am paranoid, sad, lonely, incomplete without you. Yes I know I should need no one to make complete.

Well anyone that thinks that didn't have a little girl that was her whole life for over 4 years..because for the minute I found out I was pregnant with you were my life.

Lost

Say I tell people how I feel sometime they might recommend meds, therapy, church, grief support group. I don't need it. I need to be able to feel fucked up sometimes. I need to know that it is ok and I wont be at risk for losing more people in my life because I seem unstable today.

I just need to have you back.

I still have thoughts that you might come back. I know this is crazy, but it is true I think maybe they have made a mistake that I will see you somewhere and we will pick up where we left off.

Tell me how to understand the crackheads that have 8 kids they beat and they get to be "so called" parents. Tell me why it is $20 grand to adopt a baby that had no family or chance. Tell me why I did my best and it was not good enough.

Tell me how to heal Maya. Can't you come to me in a dream. I have had so few dreams about you and that breaks my heart. I want to hear your voice. I am afraid to lose more of you.

I hate all the new people in my life that never had the chance to know you.

I want to just play all day. I want to hold you for hours, smell your hand, look at your little hands. Hear you say you Love me and make sure you knew how much I love you!

I hope you know I will always love you so much! Or as you would say, " As much as two candies and 1 icecream.

Love,

Mommy

3 comments:

Steph said...

Jen~ I know I just met you @ LaDale & Angela's wedding, but I just wanted to let you know how touched I am by you & Maya's story. I read the website, looked at the pictures & videos & I'm sitting here in tears...I wish I could have met your beautiful daughter. I'm a single mom too & even though you have your extended family & friends, there is no way to describe the bond between you & your child when it's just the two of you for so long. I can't imagine the pain & void that creates to have her taken from you. I admire how brave you are to keep living & keep her memory alive...I honestly don't think I could be that strong. You are so right that all the cliches are so empty-it's just people who care about you trying to make sense of something so horrible. It's not fair that people who are terrible parents have their children with them--it makes no sense. I pray that you will find peace & happiness someday...and know that you will hold your precious little girl in your arms again someday in heaven. You are an inspiration to people - the way you've handled all this with such grace. I'm so sorry for the pain that you continue to feel... Stephanie (LaDale's cousin from the cruise)

Jennifer said...

Steph I just saw that you wrote this. It meant so much and I was glad to find it here waiting for me with the presence of Mothers day near. It is just a hard time for me. Thanks for looking around the site and taking the time to be so warm and understanding. It was so nice to have met you and I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow!

nikkitodd1999 said...

Jennifer,
I subscribe to your Baby Grace site and enjoy every single bit of it. It was only today, after your thoughts on seeing the graduation and about Maya, that I found the unbelievable story about your sweet little girl.
Just tears. So many tears. I can only imagine what every single day - the thousands of days since she passed - have been like for you. I have three boys, and always wanted a daughter too. Your words on wanting to smell her hand, hold her, not getting to lay next to her at the hospital...all of it. I feel your pain. I can imagine not being able to comprehend how the world can keep going without her...without "all of you".
I don't want to ramble, and become disrespectful as this is not about me...just a virtual hug or extended hand to you, because on this Mother's Day, my heart breaks for you not being able to hold your daughter. My faith is that you will be together again one day. I know that doesn't bring comfort, but maybe eventually it can bring hope. Allow the hurt, the tears, any emotion to continue as you need it to. Your feelings are valid because they are yours, and no one else's.
Be blessed, today and everyday. Despite what has happened, I know I personally continue to be blessed by the fruit of your talents in photography. Thank you for doing what you do, and for putting your heart out there in everything you do.
Sincerely,
A fan