Monday, April 13, 2009

Emotional

So I usually just post little stories in the I remember section and never blog. But I write all the time about Maya and my feelings in my journals. I figure I should start posting my blogs though because it might help someone and I think it will help me.

This past weekend was Easter weekend. It was fairly uneventful. The first Easter that I think I did not spend with any family. Well Tom is my family but you know what I mean. We went to Tom's friends apartment they made Easter dinner. Holidays take on new meaning when you loose someone especially when you loose your child.

I felt an overwhelming sadness. I don't have this feeling consistantly anymore. But when I do it is all I can do to see a little girl or a photograph and long to see Maya. Just typing that sentence makes me picture my little Maya Grace and miss her so much you have a hard time catching your breath. It gives you just a bit of anxiety. It makes you not know how to think of anything else.

How can it be possible that parents have to go through the rest of their life not seeing their own child. Not kissing, holding, watching grow up. It is a horrible reality.

I want to see her so bad. I want to hear her little voice. I want Tom to know how amazing she is. I want see how she would play with Tom. I want to see her little backpack with her homework and know how she would of done with her classmates and teacher.

I am reading a book right now called, The Knitting Cirle. It is amazing. I love it so much I don't want to finish it. It is a book I can relate too more then anything I have ever read. So it is nice to have that escape into a world where it all makes sense. I highly recommend that book and Comfort her other book about the loss of her daughter.

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