Sunday, June 14, 2009

Warm light under the Willow Tree

I have digressed in my coping and healing without you. You would think most everyday would be better then the last except for the occcasional holiday and milestone.

But for some reason this past week was impossible and felt similar to the weeks just after you left me. Sobbing for no reason a deep longing that can't be quenched.
I slept in your bed one night I hugged your favorite animals and cried until I finally fell asleep.

On one day I went out to the hammock to try to clear my mind. I laid there peacefully I looked up into the trees. I found a leaf with a pinhole size place in the middle. I held it up to my face and stared through the hole like I could stare straight through and see you.
Then out of nowhere the tears came fast and contionously for a long time. I looked at my arm and I had a nickle sized spot of light on my arm bouncing around. I felt it was you. Logically this makes little sense. But I kept crying and would not take my eyes off the spot until the spot disappeared. I felt like the spot knew my tears and could sense the small comfort it brought me for those minutes. Like it was keeping my lonely soul company.

Many days I don't know if I will find happiness like I knew with you.
I don't know what it will take to forgive myself for working so much. I wish I was with you so much more. I sometimes wonder if you loved me despite my inadequate mothering at times because I was new at being a mom and we were figuring it all out together. And most of all I hope that you know just how much I love you. This second and every second of everyday from the moment I found out I was pregnant with you.

You are still so remembered and talked about. I only wish on this evening while I am missing you so much I could reach out and see your sweet face and hear your cute voice.

I Love you Maya Grace forever!

Mommy

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