1300...

This is how many days my precious girl Maya was alive...1300

Yesterday was 2600 days since she was born, 1300 days since she passed. Which means yesterday was the day that signified her being gone the same number of days she was here.

So now today...it's official...she has been gone from this earth more days than she was here.

When she died I always thought it would be a horrible to experience to have more time without her than with her. In my mind that meant that to anyone looking from the outside I should be 'over it.' That my grief should be replaced with a new happiness because I have dealt with what was.

But those that are close to me know that is not really the case. Many things will still bring me to tears. And more then anything, the longing for her on some days is more intense than any emotion I have ever felt. You still feel at times that maybe this is a horrible dream. My life will get back to normal soon. Someone is going to call me and tell me they found her or she is actually still alive. They made a mistake.

When I type these last few sentences I suppose I would think I was a little crazy too. I know I am not but I do know that any parent that looses a child is dealing with the biggest heartache I think I you would ever deal with in a lifetime.

I had never sat down and calculated the date of when this 'transition' would take place. One day Tommy was on the computer and came and told me. We thought it was pretty cool that it came out to such a round number...1300 days that I had with sweet Maya. When Tommy had figured out this number it got me thinking of the amount of memories I have of Maya. I am sure I could think of 13,000 memories. I had many sweet moments with Maya. I tried to be with her as much as possible while being a working single mom.

Many times she came with me to photo shoots and I always rushed home because I felt I was away too much. They grow up so quickly and in this day and age it is too hard usually to be able to be a stay at home mom. I struggled with guilt being away but I knew what I had to do. Fortunately I have wonderful parents that really took great care of her and her daycare was like no other. They were a 3rd Nana and family to her she loved them. I only mention this because I realized how much more then anything else I blame myself for not being around more or not being connected to the present moment because I had computer work or a million things to do once getting home. I remember Maya trying to close my laptop and saying, "no puter work" and thinking to that now breaks my heart. She would come sit next to me and get one of my many journals and scribble on the pages saying she was doing work! It was really cute and now I have her scribbles in every single journal I own. I treasure those scribbles.

If there is one thing I could ever say to anyone with kids...it's if you can work less, you will never regret the few dollars lost. You will only look back being so happy for the extra time spent and the new memories made.

I wish today was not 1301.

I think that even wanting to go back to the horrible time right after she passed away was better some days because her memory was so vivid and it was like I was away for a short trip not this 3 1/2 year journey.

A few things Maya will always be to me:

• My first born
• The little girl with the cutest and funniest (at times) voice I have ever heard
• My buddy who stuck with me through it all and would never have anything but love for me as I did for her.
• She would always make me laugh when I was down and I could not have been more proud of her.

Right now Tommy and I are on the beach in St. Augustine. We came to see his niece that was born a few weeks ago, Viviana Jo she is so precious! I really wanted to stay on the beach if we could find an inexpensive place to do so. Tommy found a place and it has been really a peaceful must needed break. I am reminded by being here of the last time I was at a beach. It was with Maya when I went to Bradenton Beach to be at my good friends, Gretchen & Eric's wedding and photograph it for them.

Maya loved the sand. She could sit for hours letting the waves crash over her tiny body. She was fearless about what lied in the ocean. She died before she knew what fear was as it is something we create in our lives as we get older and we see the realities in life of the what could be. I want to live without fear like she did and take more moments for myself and the people I love. To see things through the eye of a child is actually a really wonderful thing.

I really appreciate all the people who stuck near me even when I know I was not the easiest. I have a core group of friends and a wonderful boyfriend that are patient and understanding of my wide range of emotions.

When you look back at the number of days you lived how many of those days did you create memories that you will remember for a life time? Be with those you love and make each day count. Laugh, act ridiculous, let loose and let those you love know it whenever you get the opportunity.

Forever Maya Grace your memory will live on as you are the biggest part of me and my most beloved daughter...

Much love

- Jennifer (Mommy)

Warm light under the Willow Tree

I have digressed in my coping and healing without you. You would think most everyday would be better then the last except for the occcasional holiday and milestone.

But for some reason this past week was impossible and felt similar to the weeks just after you left me. Sobbing for no reason a deep longing that can't be quenched.
I slept in your bed one night I hugged your favorite animals and cried until I finally fell asleep.

On one day I went out to the hammock to try to clear my mind. I laid there peacefully I looked up into the trees. I found a leaf with a pinhole size place in the middle. I held it up to my face and stared through the hole like I could stare straight through and see you.
Then out of nowhere the tears came fast and contionously for a long time. I looked at my arm and I had a nickle sized spot of light on my arm bouncing around. I felt it was you. Logically this makes little sense. But I kept crying and would not take my eyes off the spot until the spot disappeared. I felt like the spot knew my tears and could sense the small comfort it brought me for those minutes. Like it was keeping my lonely soul company.

Many days I don't know if I will find happiness like I knew with you.
I don't know what it will take to forgive myself for working so much. I wish I was with you so much more. I sometimes wonder if you loved me despite my inadequate mothering at times because I was new at being a mom and we were figuring it all out together. And most of all I hope that you know just how much I love you. This second and every second of everyday from the moment I found out I was pregnant with you.

You are still so remembered and talked about. I only wish on this evening while I am missing you so much I could reach out and see your sweet face and hear your cute voice.

I Love you Maya Grace forever!

Mommy

Mother's Day

When you don't have a child in this world anymore it does not appear you are a mother.
And even harder when new people have entered your life when your child has left your life. They never knew you as a mom and maybe can't even picture it. So as we approach tomorrow it is difficult. For many reasons. It is hard for all those moms that celebrate and get recognized and you get forgotten about. Then your little girl is gone and all you want is her more then ever on your special day.

Here is how I know I am still a mother even 3 years after my precious died.
I miss her immensely. More then I ever knew was possible. Still. And always will.
I would give up my home, business, my health for hers and to have her happy and still here. I cry and and drawn to little people wherever I go. I hope someday to have the experience of motherhood again. I want that experience. It wont take away from my love I have for Maya. Maya will always be my first and so special because she and I did everything together.

It is hard to know what I will feel like doing tomorrow. But I know you, Maya Grace will be on my mind all day long. I miss you so much.

Love
Mommy

Emotional

So I usually just post little stories in the I remember section and never blog. But I write all the time about Maya and my feelings in my journals. I figure I should start posting my blogs though because it might help someone and I think it will help me.

This past weekend was Easter weekend. It was fairly uneventful. The first Easter that I think I did not spend with any family. Well Tom is my family but you know what I mean. We went to Tom's friends apartment they made Easter dinner. Holidays take on new meaning when you loose someone especially when you loose your child.

I felt an overwhelming sadness. I don't have this feeling consistantly anymore. But when I do it is all I can do to see a little girl or a photograph and long to see Maya. Just typing that sentence makes me picture my little Maya Grace and miss her so much you have a hard time catching your breath. It gives you just a bit of anxiety. It makes you not know how to think of anything else.

How can it be possible that parents have to go through the rest of their life not seeing their own child. Not kissing, holding, watching grow up. It is a horrible reality.

I want to see her so bad. I want to hear her little voice. I want Tom to know how amazing she is. I want see how she would play with Tom. I want to see her little backpack with her homework and know how she would of done with her classmates and teacher.

I am reading a book right now called, The Knitting Cirle. It is amazing. I love it so much I don't want to finish it. It is a book I can relate too more then anything I have ever read. So it is nice to have that escape into a world where it all makes sense. I highly recommend that book and Comfort her other book about the loss of her daughter.